Silence Is Golden

I heard this song on the radio this morning and it spoke volumes to my heart.



Here are the words:
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
better than a choir singin' loud
singin' loud

This is such a wonderful message. I think there are many messages in this actually, but the one I took this morning is humility. In our humility, God's might is shown to the world MUCH more loudly than when we stand on our chairs and bellow.

I am a visual person, so this is the picture God gave me this morning: I am much more encouraged and honored when I observe my child changing, maturing, making good choices over a period of time and without any attention seeking than I am when they say things like, "I am never going to ________ again." See, a momentary muster of courage to blurt out a wish is not nearly as evident of heart change as is the long-term girth that it takes to actually LIVE that change in your life. That is the evidence of growth and change. For all the loud AMENING we have the ability to do, I believe that the Lord is glorified MOST, when our very lives are in humble agreement with His word.

Practice what you preach

I cannot tell you how many times I will be in the middle of something and one of my children just walk up talking to me, as if I was just sitting there waiting for them to walk up and need something from me. It drives me BANANAS. Why? Because it is really selfish- as if the whole world is here waiting patiently for that child's next move. It says, "What I need/want is THE most important thing under Heaven, so I am going to force you to hear me RIGHT NOW while it is convenient for ME."

Today (during my Thursday walk with my Sista-friends), one of my sista-friends said, "We have to learn to not barge in on God." I immediately had a picture of God (bare with me) sitting at His big desk in the sky (stay with me) and me just barging in whenever it is convenient with whatever want/need/request/or affection I NEED to tell Him at whatever moment. How RUDE! It happens though.

Now, we can talk to God at any time and all day long, but OH what sweet time in prayer it is when we approach him with the respect and honor He so richly deserves. We need to come to God humbly, seeking His attention in His time and at His will. We should spend time in honor of him, praising Him, long before we give him our wish list of wants/needs. Our hearts should be bent towards the goal of leaving time with the Lord knowing that we honored Him during that time more than just completed a task.

I obviously cannot speak for the Lord, but I know when my children barge in on me I have a VERY difficult time even listening to them at all. Usually, they get sent back to where they came with instructions to try again later. YIKES!

Self-Discipline

self- noun
Me, Myself, and I
(definition care of ME)

discipline- verb
10. to train by instruction and exercise; drill.
11. to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.
12. to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.
(definition care of dictionary.com)


Those two words taste bitter coming out of my mouth- they have become so foreign to me over the past few years. With five children so young and a husband in seminary, I have become very good at routines and systems, which are wonderful tools in and of themselves. They promote order and order is truly a Godly pursuit. All through the Bible, God desires and creates order. By creating routines and systems for our family, I can alleviate some of the chaos, by applying patterns of behavior that bring everyone under one goal and purpose. The problem is that I have allowed these systems to appease the part of my heart that the Lord created to desire my OWN standard of behavior. (I hope that makes sens outside of my own head.)

Instead of continuing to interpret my own thoughts, which can sometimes get foggy even for ME, here are some of the areas of my life that I need "to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control".


1. My weight: No big explanation needed here. I need to lose some weight. period. Several of these following areas contribute to this one. For the last few weeks, I have added a lot of exercise and am upping it each week it seems, so I feel like I am off to a good start. The missing link for me here is long-haul accountability. Nathan knows my heart and my desire, but it isn't fair for me to ask him to hold me accountable in this area. He loves me too much and doesn't want to be the bad guy in this. Honestly, I don't want him to be either. I am praying for wisdom to find this accountability. In the past, I have done WONDERFULLY...for a season. Then I fail and undo everything I have done. I think gaining self-discipline in the area will mean seeking strength form the Lord to continue past the plateaus and stretches that normally cause me to jump ship.

So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. 1 Corinthians 9:26-27

2. Getting appropriate SLEEP : Ugh. this one SOUNDS simple. It sounds simple when I am sitting here at 4:35pm. At 10:00PM, however, when Nathan has just walked in the door from class and we haven't had 2 minutes to communicate all day OR (honesty alert!) one of "my shows" is coming on, I find it hard to tear myself away and head to bed. No matter how I attempt justify it, I am not getting enough sleep. I cannot support my body and the schedule that is needed to support my LIFE on so few hours of sleep. Because I stay up too late, I am sleepy during the day, my eating schedule is off (see above), I run out of energy before i run out of tasks, and I don't get to sleep well when I finally DO submit to rest. I feel like a toddler even struggling with this, but it is a struggle for me. Sheesh.

It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Psalm 127:2

(for the record, this type of list-making is daunting, but I am excited about checking some of these things off in the future. Without a list, no checking off can happen!)

3. Accurate and Godly Priorities: Everything else can be summed up with this one heading. I need to do a better job of prioritizing my life- particularly where my energy is spent in any given day. Too many outside activities, too many "yes's", too many play dates, and (unfortunately) too much TV can make for a messy house, children that are lacking in their OWN discipline, and a husband who feels neglected all together. I feel this is something that I have always had a good eye on, thanks to Godly women in my life at times, but lately I have not been keeping a watchful eye on my schedule and Nathan and I have both realized our error. We are making some changes and moving towards the goal of eliminating a lot from our tasks list next year, while still serving the Lord sacrificially. It is a fine, fine line to find that balance. We are not called to sit back and let others serve exclusively. We are also not called to put our name on every blank line on a sign-up sheet that passes our lap. Furthermore, it is in the pursuit of those things that ARE NOT in accordance with what God has given me to do in direct competition with those that He DOES intend for me that I find the most frustration! (see above...and above again!) The beauty comes in discovering which blanks that Lord has already filled in with my name and then doing THOSE tasks to His Glory. With this area of my life, I can't just stop EVERYTHING right now, as I have commitments that need to be followed through. However, BIG changes are coming around August for us in this area. Until then, I am praying for wisdom to take things one day at a time, doing only what I am capable of and without guilt for those that I cannot.

According to the commandment of the Lord through Moses they were listed, each one with his task of serving or carrying. Numbers 4:49

My Homework-

Spiritually speaking:I don't intend to be able to change any of these areas of my life by my own power. I am not strong enough. I am DAILY asking the Lord to help me and I am exposing them to as much LIGHT as I can, so that I cannot shirk way from them when the going gets tough...and it WILL get tough.

Practically speaking: These things are being printed and listed on my fridge. I don't want to spend my days thinking about ME and how to change ME. That is a selfish path to take. Instead, I just want to reminder (on the fridge) that I will occasionally see and be reminded of this pursuit. I am making excercise and eating well a priority. I am going to go back to something I did when I had only two babies and FAR less on my schedule, which was to hang a sign on my computer and TV that reads "Have you finished you job? If not, you are chosing THIS over your family." (I have never been one for subtle.) Nathan and I are setting aside some time, weekly, for just us- not school, not church duties, not children- just. us. I think this will help me not feel like I have to wait up for him from class so many nights of the week.

Can you relate to any of these? How do YOU deal with them?

When you point your finger at someone else...

...there are always 3 pointing back at you (thumb doesn't count. it is a long-standing debate between my children. HA!)

I have been not nice to Nathan lately.

I seem to get ill with him over the slightest things these days (and not the RUN DMC kind of ill either, the really ugly, fight-pickin' kind of ill.)

I won't say that I haven't always had a reason, but even when I had a reason I didn't handle it appropriately. I go from calm to spastic in 2 seconds flat. I get all red-faced and anxious. THEN, I do the one thing that Nathan DREADS from his wife- the ONE thing that can make him want to run and hide until the smoke settles- the ONE thing that he has PLEADED with me not to do over the last 16 years we have been together.


I compile. (A hush fell over blogland.)


I compile every little insignificant, easy to get over, non-life threatening thing that has happened in the last little span of time and I heap it all up on top of itself until each of those teeny tiny little annoyances are now one HUGE, MASSIVE, GIGANTIC, SEEMINGLY UNMOVABLE obstacle standing in the way of the peace and happiness we enjoy, strive for, NEED to live in JOY. BY then, I am completely upset and all but spitting fire and Nathan is just dodging the cloud of debris and firebombs that are falling in my path.


It is unproductive and immature, but it is what I do and what I need to eliminate in my life.

This morning, I set about thinking about WHY I have been so ill to Nathan in the first place. Being COMPLETELY transparent here and at the risk of judgement, I have scrutinized Nathan's every move for the past couple of weeks- the way he talks to the children, the way he balances the checkbook, the way he organizes his studies, the way he WRITES HIS PAPERS- really, it has been THAT bad.

I started to think that maybe we were under some spiritual warfare. We are now on the path to make big waves in Chicago and bring with us the Truth of the Gospel. That is BOUND to shake up some of those pesky demons, right?

Sure. I am sure there is SOME of that going on, but ultimately it didn't sit well with me as the solution. SO what is it?

After my workout this morning at the gym (while I was standing in the lockeroom, blow drying my hair, STARING at one of my biggest issues-my weight- no pun intended) I began to think about the looooong list of things the Lord is showing ME that I need to change before we can go to Chicago. (Insert light bulb with long chord being pulled here)

That is it. This is why I am being horrible to my husband. It is easier to pick apart HIS life and HIS behavior than to face mine. My sinful flesh can rationalize that, surely, it isn't ME who is struggling with self-control or poor thought patterns, right? Ugh. The arrogance that one must swim in to make that statement. I am being refined for God's great work. It is OH-SO-PAINFUL.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 (NIV)

In the pain of being chastised by the Lord myself, I think it soothes the sinful parts of my heart to lash out at Nathan and I justify it by call . (writing that makes my heart ACHE!) I love my husband so, SO much. I would never, ever want to hurt him and in fact, would do anything to help him- to support him. Yet, here I am tearing my house down with my own hands instead of taking my own convictions and applying them to my life.

So, without further ado, the next several posts will begin to explore the areas of my life the Lord is pressing on me to take a long, hard, look at currently. I want to begin the process of building the foundation for our home and ministry in Chicago. Hopefully, by coming out with my OWN list, I will lay off of my sweet husband a bit.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some repenting to do.

*Images courtesy of my nine year old, Graycen, and her reaction to being corrected. I told her these were going in her wedding slide show. Maaaaaaaaaybe I will show her some mercy.

Respite

Have you ever used a word for a long time and then realized that maybe you didn't exactly know what it meant. Lately, I have been asking the Lord for respite- from financial struggle, from parenting frustration, from (insert any earthly toils here). In hindsight, I have been using the word A LOT and maybe (probably) in the same whiny sort of tone that I correct my children from using. I knew it meant something along the lines of relief, but this morning, I was composing an email to a sweet lady in our care group and I decided I needed to look it up before I used it with her. This is what I found on dictionary.com .

res·pite   /ˈrɛspɪt/ [res-pit] noun, verb,-pit·ed, -pit·ing. –noun

1.a delay or cessation for a time, esp. of anything distressing or trying; an interval of relief: to toil without respite.

2.temporary suspension of the execution of a person condemned to death; reprieve.

Read definition #1. OK. I was right. Then I read definition #2. It was then that I heard that still, small voice, "You, my child, are not condemned to death!" I repeated it out loud, "I am NOT condemned to DEATH!!" Although there are times when we find ourselves asking the Lord for much needed break from struggles, it was like icy cold water for a parched heart this morning to read that and realize that I do not need "temporary suspension of the execution of a person condemned to death". My reprieve has been bought by the blood of my Savior on the cross and it will not be temporary it will be FOR ALL ETERNITY. Doesn't that make you want to dance?!?!?! Hallelujah!



*This video is from a couple of years ago, but oh, so precious.

From our family to yours...

(our 2009 Christmas card & letter)

Dear Friends and Family,

When we think back over our lives, there are certain memories that stand as markers of time or seasons that your mind automatically scrolls through. For our family, 2009 was a year FULL of those mile-marking memories.

For the first time ever, our family took a Disney vacation! We spent a week in Orlando, staying at a Disney resort and enjoying a great time of rest and excitement all at once. We saw priceless looks on the faces of the children when we surprised them (in Jacksonville, FL) with the news that they would be standing in front of Cinderella’s castle in just a few short hours! The week was a wonderful time for us to be together as a family and create life-long memories for them AND for us. We spent at least one day at Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Hollywood Studios and had a meal with a handful of Disney characters on each day. You will have to ask the children what each of their favorite moments were, but be prepared to sit a while. I don’t think any of us can claim just one.

After five years of balancing full-time work with writing research papers and being a great Daddy to five energetic children, 2009 marked the completion of Nathan’s undergraduate work! In May, Nathan graduated, earning his Bachelor of Arts in Biblical Studies. It was a WONDERFUL day for the whole family, as we all felt a sense of accomplishment. We feel extremely blessed to have been placed on this journey together as a family. In August, Nathan began working on his Master of Divinity in Biblical Counseling. He is also finishing his second year as an intern at our family church, where we fellowship with a beautiful church family. In these last five years, we have all learned and grown in our walk with the Lord in ways we cannot measure by degree or merit. God has used this time in NC to teach us about who He desires us to be and how He desires us to minister to this world.

In addition, 2009 marked an end to homeschooling for our family, at least for now. MaryEvelyn and Cooper joined Graycen at a GREAT charter school. Graycen (age 8) entered 3rd grade and adjusted to the added responsibility and heavier workload. MaryEvelyn (age 7) had a seamless transition into 2nd grade and loves going to school. Cooper (age 6) began Kindergarten and is having a great time discovering the foundations of learning. Ella (age 5) and Annagail (age 2) have enjoyed having a smaller crowd at home during the day and have become “bestest friends”, as they say.

Finally, it would be difficult to mention all of these wonderful mile-markers in 2009 without also mentioning one of the biggest mile-markers of this year for us. This year Nathan was laid off from his employer and has spent the last ten months seeking employment. Although it is hard to be a part of the large number of Americans that are struggling to find work in this current economy, it has also been a mile-marker of TRUST and FAITH for us. When we look back on this year, we will remember how the Lord completely held us through all of this. Finances are obviously tight and it takes a lot of preparation and communication to keep things going, but we have been held in the Grace of the Lord this year. We have enjoyed time together. We have been able to minister to others that are going through struggles. I can honestly say that we have laughed together more this year and have enjoyed true PEACE that comes from knowing that God’s plan for our lives is better than anything we could have ever dreamed up. We find strength in verses like Isaiah 12:2,"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation." We find comfort in verses like Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” During this time, we have also enjoyed getting back to doing portrait & event photography and are watching the Lord grow our business according to His perfect will. You can check us out at www.kariseenimages.com.

Looking forward to 2010, we pray that, regardless of our circumstances, we will continue to seek His will for our lives and that we will continue to rest in the provision of Christ’s birth, His life, His death for our sins, and His resurrection. Our prayer for you in 2010 is that you, regardless of circumstance, will know this peace also. When we celebrate Christ’s birth at Christmas, we are praying that each of you will know the peace and love that can only come through a very personal relationship with God. He was more than just a baby born in a manger. He is THE way, THE truth, and THE life (John 14:6). Our prayer for YOU is that 2010 is a “mile-marker year” that reflects JOY and BLESSING that comes from living in Christ alone.

Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year to You!
Nathan, Angela, Graycen, MaryEvelyn, Cooper, Ella, & Annagail Murray

I love my church.

I do. I love it.



I love that the most people there treat you like they have known you their whole lives.

I love that the sermons are REAL. I love that they are Scripture driven, not catchy-title supported. I love that I learn something about God and about His church every week. (hint: it isn't always an "atta boy!")

I love that there is accountability there. You come and call yourself a Christ Follower. We will expect you to behave like one, according to God's Word.

I love that with most of my friends, I can say "You offended me brother." and they can say it to me, because there is true love there. Then, we can mend broken fellowship and (catch this!) GROW CLOSER TO THE LORD together. (for the record: I don't say it all that often, but I feel like I could if I needed to.)

I love that people serve other people-not just brothers and sisters that are active in our church, but the people there reach out, way out into the community and world. They serve in love as Christ did.

I love that our church PURPOSES to raise Godly men. I am not talking about the little tykes, although they look out for them also. I am referring to the prayerful consideration and mentoring of men that are going out to plant churches. These men don't just get a high five and a pat on the back. They get time, learning alongside our elders and ministers. It is a beautiful practice and I know it makes the WORLD of difference in the lives of these men, their families, and to the churches they will serve.

I love my church. I do. I love it.

I get defensive when people talk so ugly about "the church", because in doing so they tear down all the good, all the love that MY church has built. I realize that some groups of people do a lot of harm in the name of religion, but nothing gets me angrier than when people use the term "the church" in a negative way, because they are assuming they can speak for ALL churches. They can't.

Do you love your church? Please don't tell me about your great music. We have that also and it is fantastic, but it doesn't a church define. Tell me about the people. Tell me about the faith that you see LIVED out. Tell me about the love that is there that loves at all times. Tell me about your church. Do you love your church?

Cooper's Confession

Scroll down and check out Cooper's photo on the right.

Yep, he is the one showing horns. He can be a little devil, but he can also melt my heart at times. Like when, after months had past since his Great Gran's passing, he finally and completely out of the blue one evening confessed through sudden, painful tears that he didn't presently care that his Gran Gran was happy in Heaven and that he wanted her here on earth for his 5th birthday. His honesty was so hard to hear, but also so refreshing to know that he would trust me with what he was struggling with in his heart.

This morning, he hesitantly came to me with another confession that, once again, had me in tears, hugging him and reassuring him, while also secretly thanking the Lord for Cooper's heart and his honest.

Cooper: Mama, I have something to tell you, but I don't want anyone else to hear.

Me: Ok, Whisper it to me.

Cooper: *whispering* Last night before I fell asleep, I prayed that Daddy would find a job.

Me: (already feeling the ears welling up) You did? Well that is very sweet honey. You don't need to be embarrassed about that.

Cooper: *still whispering, but now starting to cry* but, even though I prayed for it, I really don't want him to find a job. I don't want him to be gone.

Me: (never one to make anyone cry alone...) Oh, Baby. I know. well. I know. It has been nice having so much time with Daddy. Oh...

I went on to tell Cooper that is was perfectly natural for him to want Daddy to always be here at home with us and that it was good that he asked the Lord to give Daddy what Daddy is seeking, even though it wasn't what Cooper himself wanted. It was a nice conversation with Cooper about thinking of others first and caring more about that than of what our own desires are.

Many times yesterday, I thought about God's message to me through Cooper's confession. This time of having Nathan home has been wonderful. It has provided a lot of time for us as a couple and for Nathan to spend some extra time with the children. As strange as it may sound to the world, it has been a blessing to our family. Lately, I am easily tempting to worry about our future. Cooper's words to me were a fresh and specific reminder from the Lord that He is working this time for His good and that all of it is inside His plan for us.

Dilema Decided.

I convinced myself with my last post. I am done with facebook. Before Nathan changed my password to something I didn't know, I made sure that my email was correct and even posted my cellphone. Anyone who really needs or wants to get in touch with me can.

Thanks for your comments. A friend made a point that I thought was worth sharing.

"...it has not encouraged me to think graciously about people...about people in my own church. If I "think" I know what they are thinking b/c of what I see on their facebook page...then in real life when something comes up I automatically jump to conclusions and think the worst." ~Abby

This is very true. I am not sure it is completely healthy for any relationship to have that much access. Boundary lines begin to blur and unhealthy habits can breed like flesh-eating bacteria.

So, I am not a fan of facebook anymore. I realize that I could try and work it into my life in a healthy way, but I just don't want to manage this sin. I want it gone-eradicated.

I can tell you that not accessing it over the last few days has been really wonderful. If you are an avid facebooker, you should at least try a short break for a few days. It is amazing the things we find ourselves slaves to that we don't even realize.

Have a great weekend!

The Facebook Dilema

I find myself in a facebook dilema.

I have been on facebook for....oh....two years now. Since then, I have reconnected with hundreds (I am not kidding,hundreds!!) of people from my past, present, and future. It has been wonderful to see photos of people "all grow'd up" and catch up on the last twenty years (or more!) from some old friends. Facebook has been a catalyst for healing of some old hurts and a safe connecting place for some otherwise difficult relationships. It is sometimes far easier to keep up with a difficult relationship through short status updates and photo-documentaries.

So where is "the rub" you might ask?

It is two-fold.

First and foremost, it is addicting. People say that, probably a million times a day in cyber world and it is very, very, VERY true. I think it is absolutely, to some of us, what soap operas were to our Mothers and Grandmothers. It is escape. I love my family. I love my job as a home manager. I would be a big, fat LIAR if I told you that it wasn't a thrill to be able to sit here in my favorite chair and explore all of the ins and outs of other people's lives on facebook. I have enjoyed all of the mindless quizzes and "memes" to read. I have even had a cyber english bulldog named flash, who is surely dead by now! LOL! It is an escape-a ticket to journey through exciting events and other people's exciting lives. Plain and simple, it takes away from my first ministry-the one to my husband and my children. Even more sadly, it takes away from my relationship with the Lord.

i⋅dol 
–noun
1. an image or other material object representing a deity to
which religious worship is addressed.
a. an image of a deity other than God.
b. the deity itself.
2. any person or thing regarded with blind
admiration, adoration, or devotion
3. a mere image or semblance of something, visible but without substance, as
a phantom.
4. a figment of the mind; fantasy.
5. a false conception or notion; fallacy.

Almost all of these definitions apply to facebook for me. The bottom line:

My prayer life isn't what it should be, but my facebook status is always accurate.

So you might say, "get a grip and some self-control while you are at it!", right?

Well...

That brings me to the second issue I am having with facebook. It can be what I am calling False fellowship. When a woman has early labor pains it is often called "false labor" which equates to a lot of action that amounts to no real progress.

Facebook creates an artificial sense of "friendship" with people where there is no real relating to one another going on. There are at least a few people on my friends list that would comment away about status updates or posts I make on fb, but would never dare to come up and hug my neck after service on Sunday about the same thing. I know that I do the same thing!!! I think facebook creates a false sense of fellowship that, in reality, is building walls even higher in real life. We can seemingly communicate without judgement on facebook. The kind words, the sarcasm and even the unsolicited advice flow freely from the tips of fingers onto the keyboard, but are kept in tight at the lips when the chance to really fellowship with someone presents itself. Remember those difficult relationships I spoke of earlier? I wonder if it is indeed a blessing to have this "safe zone" to relate to each other or if it is actually just a place that we can be comfortable at, while avoiding the healing of those heart issues that make those relationships hard to begin with.

On the contrary, I have made friends through through groups on facebook that I think I could really get along with in real life. It can go both ways I guess.

I don't know what I will do. For now, I am taking a facebook break. I am leaning towards deleting my account, but I love getting to see some great old friends on there and hear about their lives. I have been encouraged greatly by more than one long phone conversation with friends from over the years that I have caught up with on facebook. I just wonder if the benefit is worth the risk.

So what do you think? Do you facebook? Do you find yourself sitting at the keyboard when you should be relating to someone face-to-face? I would love to hear your facebook thoughts :o)

Emptied Of Self, to be filled with Christ

I am working on a post about the kids' first day of school today and the surprising POWER it had over my entire day (!!!), but I don't have the photos uploaded, so I wanted to share with you something that has been on my chest lately.

Nathan and I FINALLY watched a movie a few weeks ago that my Mom gave us for Christmas. It is the movie that Ruth Bell Graham's children made about her after she passed away. It is a moving tribute to a woman who was devoted to her God, her husband and her family, in that order.

It really got my mind going and I have been thinking about it, in any available quiet moment, ever since. All of her children, all of her friends had SUCH great things to say about her. She was noble, educated woman. She was a wonderful wife who, honestly, took care of her entire family as a (physically) single mom most of the time because her husband, Billy Graham, was evangelizing all over the world. She supported her husband and his calling 100% and without waivering. It was a great testimony to her life, this movie.

So, I started thinking about what my kids would say about me. How would my friends speak about me if I passed from this earth to my home?

Although I am sure that nice things would be said, if any one's first thought of my character is anything BUT "She lived her LIFE as a Christ follower that loved her Lord with all of her heart.", I will have failed. I want to be remembered as a good wife. I want my kids, my girls, to see that in me. I want to be remembered as a good Mother. More than ANY of these things though, I want people to know that I am a child of God and that my life, my heart, my every breath is devoted to Him. For it is in THAT kind of character that all the other traits are hidden.

I want my first and last thoughts to be of Jesus each day. I want my first and last words to my children to be about Jesus. I want people to see me driving down the road or walking through the grocery store and to KNOW that I love my Lord and am His faithful servant. I want to be FILLED with Christ.

I want to be emptied of me and completed in Him alone.

Learning to Minister God's Way

Some of you have read about April on Casey's blog. She has been in Casey's life for over a year as Casey has been ministering to her, first on the streets where she found her pregnant and surviving anyway she could, and then through her delivery and subsequent rehab treatment/recovery. For the past month, I have been blessed to get to know April. For a little while, she was living relatively close by in a half-way house and I could pick her up and help her run errands with her son several days a week. I was keeping Tash on days that she worked and LOVED that she trusted me with her son. I enjoyed talking with her. She is very open and honest about her past. She often asked me questions about the Bible and about my faith in general. I was happy that I could meet those needs for her and that she felt like she had a friend in me.

A week ago she decided to leave the half-way house. Whether I agree with why she left or whether I would have made the same choice is irrelevant. I haven't come from where she has come from. My reality is different than her's. She made the decision to leave and, to her, that was what she had to do. So now, I am unable to help her as much physically. She is too far away for me to run and get her and drive her around. It is strange, but when she called to tell me that she was headed to a shelter with her son that first night, I was tempted to grab my keys and bring her to our apartment. It was the night of Graycen's tonsillectomy, so there was no way that I could bring her into our home and she wouldn't have had it anyway. Her mind was made up.

Since then, I have only been able to talk with her on the phone every other day. She seems to be doing okay. She celebrated 6 months of sobriety at a meeting. She is eating and she has gotten a bed in a shelter each night. There is long-term housing on the horizon if she can stay with this situation for a few more days, but tonight she sounded very tired. Every time I talk to her lately, I have to fight the urge to go and get her. I have to remind myself that my job is to pray for her and support her anyway I can 100% within the limits God has given me. We don't have endless funds available for gas to run downtown and back each day. I don't have a home where she and her son could sleep and feel safe and comfortable. For now, I can pray. I can pray that she gets food and shelter, but the best thing I can do is to pray that the Lord will call her and that when he does, she will hear Him and she will run to Him. She talks about "having faith" and about "knowing that God has a plan for her", but I am not sure those aren't just familiar phrases she has picked up over time. I am praying that she will come to KNOW exactly what those phrases really mean and that she will be able to stake her life on them

Will you pray with me?

Check This Out.

We have had an exciting day. Graycen gt her tonsils and adenoids out today. Big fun. She did great and continues to do really well. I, on the other hand, am exhausted. Too exhausted to write a thang! Thank you to those of you that knew about Graycen's surgery and prayed for her. It really went FAB-U-LOUSLY. We're talkin' surgery starting 30 minutes ahead of schedule, Graycen up and able to eat dinner tonight kind-a fabulous. The Lord had His hand on o ur day today FO-REAL.

I found this over at Emily's place. It is inspiring. It is far greater than anything I could have written today.

Enjoy!

~Angela

Saved at 9. Left alone, in my sinful flesh, to sort it all out by 12. Sought that same, special love in all the wrong places by 19. With a heart more than just broken, was set in the path of a kind, compassionate soul at 20 and began to remember what unconditional love looked and felt like. At 23, saw my Abba Father running down the road to meet me as I finally came home.

All the while, He was there. He was waiting for me to step out of the pig pen and step one foot on the road to home, so that He could meet me MORE than halfway and show me love and comfort that I never knew was possible.

At 34,"Grateful" does not do my heart justice.

I didn't see this one coming.

Nathan did something today that I NEVER thought we would do on this journey. He turned down a ministry position. It makes sense, I guess, that people who are striving to fulfill God's plan for them would maybe, at some point, be offered a job that they felt wasn't right for them. I guess I had just never put myself there or thought about it much. The church sounded fine. The money was going to be fine. The 5 bedroom, all-brick, nearly 3000 sq ft house (!!!!!!) that was completely fenced in, completely renovated inside and was about $50,000 BELOW our price range sounded FABULOUS. What wasn't fabulous was the peace that was missing in our hearts regarding this position. We sought much counsel and prayed a lot and ultimately decided to turn down this position, because we felt the Lord wasn't leading us there.
Whew. Even typing that causes me to have some butterflies. It was a paycheck after all. However, we knew that it wasn't the paycheck that the Lord intended for us.

So now the praying and seeking continues. We know that the Lord knows our needs and He knows the deadlines on us. We aren't trusting Him to meet our deadlines. We are trusting Him to use our lives for His glory and that He will work out all of the details according to His Will.

Still living in His peace that passes all understanding through this and grateful for each and every prayer you lift up on our behalf.
~Angela

My new favorite cooking music:

Nathan got a wonderful CD for Christmas from my Mom. It is one that has found an almost permanent home in my kitchen CD player for the last several weeks.

Brandon Heath, Don't Get Comfortable

A particular favorite is You Decide



In the end, we can all only be responsible for our own actions. You decide. Will your legacy be of love or spite? You decide. Will your Father in Heaven find you blameless or will that one issue keep creeping into your testimony before Him? You decide. Will you always wear two (or more) faces that change depending on who you are looking at or will you own who you are and be authentic and honest to everyone? You decide.

Not everybody gets it right.

Sink or swim?

You decide.

UPDATE on US and and URGENT Prayer Need!

****Most Importantly, please pray for my great Aunt Okhi. She suffered a brain hemorrhage and is in ICU back in GA. I am waiting for update from my Mom, but it really doesn't sound very good at all. My Uncle Junior (her husband) is in his mid-70's and is keeping vigil in the ICU waiting room, only about to see her 10 minute every hour. Please remember both of them in your prayers.****


Aaaaahhh, it is good to be back. Life has been busy here, so I haven't had time to post. Do you find that life is busier when you have your husband home for an extended period of time? I do. We get A LOT done, so it seems busier anyway. I have several posts that have been brewing in my mind. I will post those over the next week. For now, I thought I would update you on how things are going.

Nathan has been out of work for over a month now. You would think that I would be fretting, but I am not. We have had so much to do that I haven't had time to fret. Money is tight, but that isn't news to anyone right? We have learned to live on 60% of what Nathan was making. Honestly, I consider that an accomplishment instead of a burden. The less we can get by on, the less we need to bring home when God sends us out. That is a blessing. I have learned (very quickly) to buy groceries on less than $75 a week. Before your jaw drops because that seems like a lot, remember that we have seven people eating here. All but one of my babes are up to normal portions, so it is really like 6 adults and 1 child eating. We aren't doing a lot of fancy meals, but we are eating good, nutritional, home-cooked meals. We have cut our utility bills down by using less or opting for basic. I am not spending my days driving all over town and we are being more purposeful in our gas usage for the car. It is amazing the ways you can cut back when you apply your mind to you tasks.

I realized a little while ago that we hadn't bought clothes for our children in over a YEAR! Don't worry. They are clothed. We have just been blessed with hand-me-downs that have met ALL of our needs. The week after Nathan lost his job, I noticed that MaryEvelyn's tennis shoes were wearing thin. We were going to go and buy her some, but guess what showed up in a bag from one of Nathan's former co-workers that afternoon? Yep, the perfect size and perfect style for my little free-bird, MaryEvelyn. Can I just share with you how grateful I am for all of this. This isn't the first time this has happened. Seriously, we have had this type of thing happen EVERY TIME we have noticed need come up in the way of shoes or clothing for a solid YEAR or MORE. I am constantly reminded of Matthew 6:26:

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? (ESV)

God has called us here. He has laid this path for us. He is providing even the clothes for my little ones as they need them.

Some may (I know that some DO) look at our life and think that our children suffer, because our wealth and our possessions are so few. However, if you talk to my children, they wouldn't have a CLUE what you would be speaking about. They are completely clueless to the world of material trappings. Even Graycen, at eight years old, has no idea what name brands are and I honestly believe they are better for it. There aren't hang-ups there. They don't have worry about finances. They know they are loved. They SEE love displayed. They feel love for others. For that, I honestly think they believe themselves to be among the "RICH". My prayer is that we can continue to nurture that in them and that, as they grow older, we will be able to continue to deflect any pressure to "keep up" with anyone. That is a futile effort that brings hollow reward and hefty debt. The land of DEBT is a place that I am BLESSED have been free of for a LONG time now and there are no fancy duds out there that are worth going back!

(Nathan with the kids in February after they presented him with the used bike they earned for his birthday. They hung "moving sale" signs all over for some missionary friends that were headed over seas.)

In other news, Nathan has continued to send out resumes. We know this process is long. We are eager to hear where the Lord is leading us, but we are enjoying the wait and praying for ALL of these places that we have sent resumes to. God will provide. Until then, we are loving our time together and spending a lot of time getting back to the simple fact of us. Our love has grown in these last ten years and it is MUCH stronger than ever. It is nice to have this time together to work side by side on projects, to laugh at each other's stupid jokes, and to just grow closer as we lean on the Lord together.

As always, we appreciate your prayers and can't wait to share the NEXT step of our journey with you!

Looking back

At the turn of the new year, I posted about my desire to NOT have a resolution for 2009. I want to be emptied of me completely. I tried to convey then, my reasoning in that I am afraid that even too much self-evaluation, too much "What do I need to change?" can come from a pit of selfishness that I need to avoid.

I found this quote on a bloggy-friend Abby's post this morning and it conveys EXACTLY where my heart is.

“The man who has faith is the man who is no longer looking at himself, and no longer looking to himself. He no longer looks at anything he once was. He does not look at what he is now. He does not [even] look at what he hopes to be as the result of his own efforts. He looks entirely to the Lord Jesus Christ and His finished work, and he rests on that alone. He has ceased to say, ‘Ah yes, I have committed terrible sins but I have done this and that…’ He stops saying that. If he goes on saying that, he has not got faith… Faith speaks in an entirely different manner and makes a man say, ‘Yes, I have sinned grievously, I have lived a life of sin… yet I know that I am a child of God because I am not resting on any righteousness of my own; my righteousness is in Jesus Christ, and God has put that to my account.’”


- D. M. Lloyd-Jones, quoted by Timothy Keller in The Message of Romans (Redeemer Presbyterian Church, 2003), 59.

Off to the gym now! Happy Wednesday!

Where, oh, where, oh where is Angela?

I stopped by briefly before to explain that I was ever-so-busy in Wifemamaland. still am. However, Nathan is in bed and the kids are tucked neatly into class (or something like that), so I am taking a quick train to Peaceandquietown for a few minutes.

Whaaaaaaaazuuuuup? Nathan was laid off last Tuesday. (Okay, so maybe I got off that train a little early and ended up in Abruptland!) It was a complete shocker, not that any of us should get too comfy in our paying jobs in this economy, but we really had no idea this was coming. They hired Nathan just over tow months ago for his strong experience, without even an open position. We just had no indication of a major lay-off happening this soon. Right now, you may find yourself asking, "What are you going to do with five children and no j-o-b?!?!?!" I asked myself that for a few minutes also. Then I contacted some great ladies and within 5 short minutes, had my answer. Within five minutes of sending a "help me, I need to be strong and I don't feel strong"- S.O.S, I was flooded with scripture that answered all of my fears and angst. Before Nathan walked through the door, I was controlled and ready to talk about our future and the steps we now needed to take without flooding him with emotion or fear. You see, the same God who had been sovereign over our lives when Nathan left to go to work on Tuesday morning, was still in control as he drove home Tuesday evening without a job.

The Lord provided some severance for us and Nathan is getting a head start on sending out ministry applications and resumes. With Nathan graduating in May, we were planning on looking into open positions then anyway. Part of me thinks that this was the Lord's way of closing the door on our "easy way out" and making it abundantly clear that Nathan was called to full-time ministry. The Lord has closed this door for a reason and we are working towards finding the new chapter of our life that He has written.

Until then, we are praying for wisdom, for strength, and for peace during this time of searching. Nathan and I have enjoyed a great week together, checking things off of our ever-growing to-do list. For Nathan, I am specifically praying for the Lord to keep him safe and to keep him protected. This is a time when the world's view of what our family "needs" could easily distract him (or any Husband/Daddy) from what he is called to do for the Lord. I am also praying for the place where we are headed-that they are kind, God-loving, Bible-living people that will love my family and accept us into their family with open arms.

As scary as this all may sound, I am REALLY excited. Having moved here four years ago and GROWN through all we have gone through, it is a blessing to know that the Lord is leading us to the next step in His plan for us. There are fears that creep in. I am not a robot. Overwhelmingly though, I am FILLED with joy knowing that God has us right where He wants us and that He is preparing a way for us.

Blessings to you tonight.

One more thing, please pray for my friend "Belle". Her story isn't mine to share, but her heart is broken tonight. She has been on my mind and I am praying that the Lord is with her tonight. If her name pops into your mind over the next few weeks, please lift her up before the throne.

Busy in Wifemamaland.

Sorry friends. I have been busy adventuring through Wifemamaland. I am still very busy there actually. Lots of BIG changes have come "down the pipe" for us over the last couple of weeks. (NO, I am not pregnant!) I can't really share too much, except to encourage you that God is caring for us, as always. We always know that He is, but it is in those times when His hand is all, but physically holding you, that you really appreciate the gravity of it.

I will leave you with this song. It is SUCH a wonderful reminder of how wrong-minded it is for us to think that Christ's blood promises us a life without pain or struggle. "The promise was: when everything fell, we'd be held" Praising the Lord for that hand that holds us.



Talk to you soon!! Wifemamaland calls!