I have been in a bit of a slump lately. Feelin' a bit blue. Part of it is that I allowed my thyroid meds to run out without a refill (Yikes!). Part of it is that I slipped into what I am calling, "Silly Israelite Syndrome". Let me Explain...
I had a wonderful week while Nathan was gone. I really did. As I said before , I came to some great realizations while Nathan was away. However, I has a couple of bad moments.
I watched the show Food Revolution with Jamie Oliver . It is a pretty good show. So, I'm sitting there, watching the show last week and it dawned on me that the show is being filmed in the very area of town in WV, where the church is located that is the ONLY job offer Nathan has gotten since he was laid off in Feb of 09. Interesting. Then, Jamie Oliver begins talking about this great pastor that is supporting him. Suddenly, across the screen flashes the very CHURCH. They proceeded to do a complete segment on THE church and THAT Pastor.
It is important to realize that, when that job was offered to Nathan, we both had sick-to-the-stomach feelings about taking it. It was so obvious to us, that every effort we made to get past it, failed miserably. When Nathan made the phone call, declining the offer, we felt weight lifted. It felt GOOD to turn that job down even though there was no job on the horizon.
Sitting there last week, my mind began to GO THERE. You know...go THERE. I began to wonder what if. What if Nathan had taken that job. Where would be now? I won't go into all that crossed my mind, but lets just say my mind wandered way too far into what if land. For the last two days of Nathan's trip I would find myself wondering (maybe wAndering would be a better term).
A few days after Nathan came home, we learned that we would, most likely, not be receiving the scholarship that we were expecting to cover Nathan's tuition next semester. For the last 13 months of unemployment, i have taken similar news in stride, dug in, waited for the Lord, and trusted that however it turned out was HIS plan. BUT, this time I had already been WANDERING in my mind for several days. When this new disappointment reared it's ugly head, I placed myself firmly in a pit and stayed there for a while- a pit of my own placing. I was in so much of a pit that I called Nathan yesterday while he was getting some much-needed studying done and just boo-hoo'd. As it turned out, he was feeling burdened also (maybe it was his sobbing wife? HA!), so he came home for lunch and we prayed together.
I began to feel better, but still was just wanting to find a cave to sulk in. A friend called and encouraged me to go on to discipleship class. I wasn't feelin' it. Nathan insisted I go. I am taking a class on the book, "How People Change". It was EXACTLY what I needed.
We read a lot in Numbers about how. many.times those silly Israelites cried out to the Lord. Basically (busymama summary here), "Why didn't you let us DIE in Egypt Lord?!?!?! We don't want to be hot! We don't want to eat stale manna! We were better off in Egypt." Sounds silly huh?
That is what I have been doing for the past couple of days, lamenting. Here is the kicker though.
I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. Back. To. Egypt.
Unlike the Israelites, I completely remember what the bondage in my life felt like when we were not following God's plan for us. I don't want those chains again. Realizing that left me feeling like I had failed a MAJOR test. We have lived in JOY over the last 13 months, knowing (not hoping, not wishing) that the Lord was guiding us and caring for us. Our every need has been met. Here we are, still basking in the glow of understanding what God has planned for us and I am presented with a test, a distraction. I took my eyes off of my sovereign, wise, and good Lord, even for a mere moment. That moment was all it took to make my steps insecure and my heart not convinced of His goodness. So, heat came into our lives and I buckled.
I repented. I am forgiven. I am moving on.
WhatEVER God has planned for the next two years before we move (AND AFTER) is INFINITELY greater than anything I could have wished for or dreamed up.
I am trusting and watching for God. period.
*temper tantrum courtesy of sweet Annagail this afternoon when I made her...wait for it...pull up her pants. Isn't she cute even when she pouts? The beautiful daydreamer that keeps me looking up is my MaryEvelyn.