***warning to male readers:there may be TMI in this letter for you. Consider yourself warned.*****
(dated July 13, 2006)
My dear Nathan,
I'm writing this letter to you, because I wanted to put into words exactly what I am feeling.You see, as I write this, I believe there is a pretty good chance that I am pregnant with our fifth baby. I won't know for certain and won't be able to find out for few weeks. I wanted to write it down ow, before all of the emotions set in and in case things get confusing.
If I find out that we have again been blessed with another blessing, I will be happy. My cycle wasn't "normal" this month and ovulation was VERY early. There was no way to predict this and only one way to explain it. It was God. He moved in our lives, so that His magnificence would be shown. Whether I am pregnant or not...
(I must have gotten called away, because the letter picks up here with a different date of July 18)
See?!?! Just like that it is now the 18th! That is how our life is right now! We may have the best of intent, but a lot of times life intercedes!! So, where was I???
OH! Whether I am pregnant or not, God will be glorified this month! This past month has been a hard transition for me. I am so happy about your new job and all of the benefits that come with it. The smile and confidence that I see returning to your face makes all of the hard work worth it.
More than ever before, I have found myself questioning how IN THE WORLD we could handle another baby?!?!?!?!? I mean, I am SO TIRED at the end of the day now that I could FALL OVER!!! I don't know how I could emotionally or mentally handle another baby. I even worry as to whether or not I can physically carry another baby!
However, there are a few other things that i can't imagine. I can't imagine exactly how much my heart will grow with love for another baby if God blesses again. I can't imagine how many tears of joy we will shed in those first few days of holding another teeny, tiny, bundled life in our arms.
Aaaaaaaaah, I hear my life beginning to wake up from naps, so I am going to say goodbye now. I love you! ~An
The great, great thing about finding this note today is that I found it while the baby I was speaking of in the letter climbed all over us. She is two now and I can't imagine our life without her. I was indeed just DAYS pregnant when I wrote this letter. Sitting here today, reading that letter, I was able to draw close comparisons from THOSE emotions to ones that I am feeling NOW. We aren't pregnant, but we are waiting to find out what direction the Lord intends our family to go. It is blessed assurance to look back on the near 3 years since I wrote this letter to my dear Nathan and see how faithful and glorious the Lord has been to us. I can look forward to our temporarily uncertain future with confidence that, just like He did then, He has a plan for us. Even if it isn't what WE had planned, it will be PERFECT, because it will be HIS plan.