I am sure that it is of no surprise to any of the readers of this blog that I struggle with homeschooling. I struggle with what to do, when to do it, and IF WE SHOULD be even DOING it. This year, so far, has taught me a few things.
-I am a creative person. (Who knew?)
-I CAN plan ahead (again WHO KNEW?!?!?!)
-I CAN teach!!
-The kids actually LIKE me as a teacher!!!
Still, I am stuck wondering whether or not this is God's plan for us. I hate over-thinking things, but this is such a big deal!!! As much as I love teaching the children, I fear that I am missing the Forest for the trees. I had a great conversation with my Sister-in-law the other day about desire vs. conviction. I have a long list of great reasons to homeschool the children, but still my heart is unsettled and I don't have peace with it. I struggle with my girls and with whether or not this is GOD'S desire for them or mine.
I fear that I am missing out on being their Mommy, plain and simply. I want to do more Mommy things with them, but with a family our size (and ages) I am constantly planning, teaching, house cleaning, finding time to nurture my little ones, etc. I don't seem to have that time available to just MOTHER them and nurture them. Sure, that gets done in the teaching some, but not enough I am afraid. I want to Mommy them. A friend on a homeschool board gave this example and it couldn't have painted a clearer picture of what I am feeling right now.
Picture my family sitting around the living room, each of us holding a basket. My oldest two girls have baskets overflowing with eggs. My baby has a fair amount, though much less than my oldest two girls. My 4 yr old and 3 yr old have one egg each and my poor husband has only a half of one. Then I realize that I have divided the eggs this way. I feel like I am failing if I am not investing more into ALL of my children, but especially my younger three right now. And if I am not giving time to my marriage then that could have lasting consequences that may not rear their ugly head until YEARS later. I just need balance and I don't know that homeschooling is where we will find that.
So now we are back to looking, researching, and praying, praying, praying. I am still teaching them this year. That won't change. We just both feel so unsettled about next year. We have always said that yearly evaluation is necessary to keep in check.
I WANT to homeschool. That is my desire. However, I learned through my fears during my last pregnancy that God's plan for my children is INFINTELY greater than anything that I have planned for them, EVEN if I am not a part of it. God's will is always what we want.
Homeschooling has so many benefits, but even the MOST BENEFICIAL plan is dangerous if it falls on a path that is outside of God's will. That-is what we are left to decide. It is our charge.